Morning 21 april

Ever wondered when did complicated things become a norm and simple things become harder to reach?

When did happy simple little things become a foggy mirage when its supposed to be natural and effortless? 

Like i met people who promised the world to me and i genuinely believed them like a child because i believed loving is worth all the scars just to feel happiness even when they start tearing me apart knowingly/unknowingly.. 

Would i be scared now? No, i guess not anymore, maybe last time yes because i was insecure but now.. i learn that fear of things is now redundant, a barrier of true happiness. 

I learn to be true to myself more now, even if it hurts people, relationships and situations. Im done worrying too much anymore. 

I am now in a “I WANT MEANS I WANT!” Until the person tells me, “NO” and i let them go mindset.

I will no longer be at the state of limbo to beg people for love anymore. Im done begging, done living in misery, done waiting for things like an idiot. 

Like what am i waiting for? To be forgotten? HAHAHAHAHAA!!! Fucking joke. 

So I wanna say, to anyone who loves me.. know that:

- my words are point blank what it is.

- i dont just say things for the sake of saying things

- everything i say and do is what i mean without motives

- i love u unconditionally but not without a limit if you hurt the shit out of me.

- when i love, i love you and you as a person, flaws, vulnerabilities and all. Not your material stuff.

- don’t lie to me, i will know. I will fucking know.

- dont take me like everyone else you know, im not normal. I dont function like everyone else. Emotionally and mentally even behavioural wise, i dont function like normal people so i cannot understand why certain people do certain things.

- im obsessed, crazy, possessive, jealous and selfish.. if you are afraid of someone like this, stay away from me because  im fucking reckless that i sometimes cannot control and just do before thinking which usually ends in regret when i come to my senses.

- i tend to hide so much pain that past painful thoughts and memories over my entire life time usually replays in my head all at one go at night so i tend to be depressed at night alot. I cannot control, tried all ways, failed.

- i am a person who believes love is more important than anything, dont need to convince me otherwise, this is really me.

- i need details, i survive on details so if i dont get details i feel like you dont trust me like i trust you with my life.

- when i feel like you dont love me, i will slowly drift off from you until i leave. 

- im a survivor, i can survive anything thats why love is more important to me than anything else. I can live in hardship but not deliberate hardship. 

- i dig honesty and truth, even if it hurts. Never ever pity me and give me white lies. I will know.