Why people cheat on me

 Over the years that i dated, committed or married any one, i was told one thing. Im too much.

Too much of love, too overwhelming, too emotional, too affectionate.

They told me they cheated on me out of fear, out of overwhelming feelings from me.

It was the same thing all over again and again.

I didnt have to ask them or check on their phones to know they cheated. I just knew, then i checked to confirmed. I was right. I confronted and i was told, “you are just over thinking it.” But i knew, they were lying.

But after awhile, when i officially end things with them, after putting up and tolerating them for a long time.. they would confessed, “actually you are right and you really scared the shit out of me. You know me better than myself, you know things before i even say anything, you remembered details of things too much that i got scared, you are too affectionate that i felt suffocating. And the girl was sweeter, younger &/or more captivating than you. So i got addicted and infatuated to it. I just want to avoid you.”

Then every single time someone tells me this after i decided to leave them, i just felt so wronged. Like.. am i really too much or they are just not the one for me?

But in every relationship, after some time, the same thing will appear no matter what, just maybe how fast it occurs to me.

I grew sick and tired of people telling me, im too much, im too clingy, im too aggressive. But this is the real me. It gets me wondering, do people prefer loving people who fake love or love you on surface? But why? Isn’t it good to have someone who chooses you over and over even when the times get tough and hard?

Even my parents kept telling me, bread and love, bread is more important. Love is never enough. You cannot survive on love.

But seriously, i really beg to differ. So i kept on repeating the same scenario over and over with different people and ended up with the same results. 

Even at this age now that i am thirty three. I still choose love over bread, except now, im scared to lose. Scared to be let down, scared to abandoned, scared to feel things that i thought was possible but instead got the impossible. Every night, my fear just engulfed me in shadows of darkness and pain.

Today, i was confessed the same thing from the person whom let me down as well, the same scenario as the rest of them. I told him, “i already knew before you confessed.” He wasn’t surprised anymore, i told him, “i just wished that i wasn’t so afraid to leave you earlier because i was afraid of losing. Now that i left you, i wished i had done it earlier then.” Although ive moved on, deep down in my heart, i felt my ego was hurt. Why couldn’t we just end things earlier if they felt like I wasnt a normal person, right?

Now that ive moved on towards a new future, although will only happen officially after 3 more years, as agreed upon, i decided to be more cautious on when to be too much, When to be too overwhelming, when to be affectionate. I decided to wait for my partner to tell me, when is green light. What is green light before i even dare to start anything. Which in turned become, I wasn’t interested, cold and not initiative enough, but the fact is, i am afraid because i can’t balance or differentiate between too much and balance. 

In a way, im glad my current partner tells me, everything is green light until i say its red. But am i still afraid? Yeah, in a way, i would be, but i guess this is the last chance im giving myself to believe in love over bread.

I dont think i would ever believe in bread over love but if the same thing would to ever happen again, i can only say, this world doesn’t deserve genuine love.