To my syukri razin ❤️

 To my dearest and precious love,

From the time i met you, i think i was immediately drawn to you. Like i just wanted to know you, hang out with you and without hesitation, i spend dinner time with you after work spontaneously unlike how i usually am to others, even when the night gets later and the sky turns darker, i didnt want to leave.

As the days goes by and i just stick with you like its natural, like nothing feels more right then to be with you, even though we were only just friends getting to know each other. I just wanna spend time with you like a possessive friend or so i thought. 

When you hang out with others or how you tell me things abt other people you are with, i totally cannot comprehend why jealousy even came.. i walked away acting normal giving all sorts of excuses just to go home alone to contain my feelings while i see u off first, either bus or taxi. But deep down i missed you terribly.

But i couldn’t say anything because it was so wrong to me at that time and I remembered you saying u rather be single forever than to be with someone and since we are already budds. Its better than nothing. Because fear took over more than my desire.

But after the last fight, i kinda lost you and i felt that break in my heart knowing that you may never speak to me ever again, especially i can’t help it when i have super weak body constitution and it affects my work and your expectations for me.

But when i receive ur birthday text, i was actually surprised and elated but i had to be generic with my message, hiding the real actual message in my notes that sounded like a love letter. 

And you said lets talk and after that lets take 2 photos everyday until i leave. Honestly, i just wanna hug you so bad then. All the little little moments we had together, the waiting to clock out, planning for places to spend time together, group trips, kcd and lti together sharing things and moments will stop. The times i looked at you and sharing ur thoughts and excitement for certain things.. its coming to an end. I felt the ache in my heart. But at least you said we can still meet if u felt like it and somehow it was like a kind of hope. But we never did.

After i left and we didnt connect for 4 years, i was just looking thru everything you posted, blog, social media and other peoples page just to know how you are doing. Even when i felt sad that you moved on like i never existed, you still existed in my heart, just buried deeply.

Until this year when i tried to text u happy new year and you say your resolution was to meet me at least once, i immediately knew i am never letting this chance go anymore. I wanted to see you as soonest as possible. I mean, fuck the fear, fuck the rules, I dont care anymore. And best part is you agreed. Like fuck! Im so excited, like i woke up literally at 10am so i dont be late for our meeting, i cant tell you how hard my heart was pounding and how excited and nervous i was meeting you again, and you gave me a hug that i literally almost exploded with happiness. 

The whole time u wanna just eat and go, i dunno but when u say, we will stay together as long as i can eat, i just stuffed myself just to spend more time with you, like why would i waste this day ive been waiting for so long… even meeting jimmy was an excuse to spend more time with you. 

Then when u send me home and gave me a bag, which is something i cherished like a treasure before i watch u board the cab home, ending with a hug, i look forward to the next planning to meet you again and again.

When u back hugged me from behind when we took the photos at uss, you dunno how flustered i was but i wish the moment didnt stop at all. It was the best birthday ever. Like seriously.

After that we had a group meeting and even though i was happy seeing jimmy and leslie, you were definitely my favourite place to be, my comfort zone, luckily you sat beside me, because i can enjoy the moment with u beside me even as a bff. Although i had to leave early to take care of nox. I missed you almost immediately.

We continued to talk and eventually VCed and you even surprised me when u came down chomp chomp even though it wasn’t your idea, i just wanted to see you as long as i can while i work. Although i was sad when you left early cux of work, but we still texted throughout the way.

Until i found that note in my notes, the one i wrote but never sent cux it sounded like a love letter.. you did teased me here and there but somehow i don’t know how i got the courage to even confess. I was shaking when i typed but deep down, i wanted you to know even though we may not be together or even scare the shit out of you to not even let me be ur bff.

I just wanted to tell u i love you. And for a moment i thought maybe you were trying to reject me in the best way possible until you asked, “shall we start dating?” I was like stunned. Because i never thought you would ask. Fuck, my heart exploded like omg! Is this real? Like for real?! Why? Seriously?

And as we start being together, i realised, shit, ive got it real bad. Like from euphoria to panic to jealousy to extreme happiness, all i wanted to do was to pour all the love i had for you that ive hidden so long. 

Like nothing else matters anymore, is just you and only you alone. Like i cannot imagine myself without you. At least not anymore. The love i have for you is like a never ending waterfall, like i just wanna see you every day even when we vc in total silence, i just wanna see you. When u kissed me, i think i died 🤣 i was trying so hard not to overreact, but damn. 

I just think nothing but you. And our spontaneous planning to go for walks and Singapore flyer.. first for the both of us.. i was a moment i never wanted to end that quick except for the 2 noisy people who came with us. 

I knew there and then, i fell in love so bad, i cant stop anymore. I just cannot be without you. I love you, syukri razin, more than words can express, you mean the whole universe to me and you’re always the priority in my heart until as long as we breathe.

I love you 🤟🏻 for infinity and beyond. ❤️